…four…five…six………ten and never ended.
My people, people who I thought were my everything started counting my blunders and I felt like weed plant in my father’s meticulous garden. I felt like I lost everything. I lost my light. I wanted to run away and end myself for good. But then something stopped me, A voice. It reminded me something and I stopped. But I was in a lot of pain. I remember plastering a smile on my lips. My spine had weak spots and my neck hurt. I wore masks everywhere to cover my blank face, not to lead a double life but just to lead a life. When sun went down, my mask came down too. I used to leave my costume at home wanting to be free for once but only later to regret the entire day because I couldn’t stop being myself. “I’m flawed” I thought.
I hated everything and it was exhausting being that way. I fell on my knees and looked up at the sky and I asked him, “Why won’t you let me go?” I cried, “I can’t pretend anymore just let me go!” I lost faith in him and in me. My pillows soaked from tears at night and I would lie to my mum about my sore swollen blood shot eyes in the morning. I couldn’t handle anything and I decided to cut everyone loose rather than cutting myself from them. I turned into this cold-hearted human. Nothing bothered me because I didn’t care about anyone anymore and I was happy on my own or at least I thought I was. But I felt empty inside so I always went to my roof, sat there and tried to feel the winds and filled that peace inside me. I was who I was even though I felt like I was nothing more than dust.
Being in the midst of the pleasant grey winds every night felt better. Every flaw in me fell off striping me naked to my truer self. There,I always felt lightheaded like I were on drugs. I was my own competition and harmony. On this particular night, I felt different and more complete. I din’t know what it was, I was feeling good. Then I started crying out of nowhere but I felt relieved later for the first time in long time. I don’t know what made me cry but I know who made me feel relieved. I can’t exactly fathom that night on my roof but every time my brain tries to help my heart to find its words I feel like I know what happened. I can’t thank God enough for what he has done for me and I will always trust him.
What I’m trying to say is there is always a way. All you have to do is to let go. You can achieve anything just like I am. I achieved God, myself, peace and I’m achieving my goals. Today I might be flawed but I’m also a writer learning from my flaws…
Hope for the best.
Live your life.